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Witnessing growth is fun. Sitting down, feet up, surrounded by boxes + dust bunnies = growth for this gal.

It’s interesting to think back to a younger version of me, the one who couldn’t sit down until EVERYTHING was “done.” Oh, bless her heart. She thought there was this place you could reach where everything would be “done.” Honestly, learning that there was no “end” to the workload and responsibility of this marriage and career and adulting thing was jarring in the least. I felt overwhelmed by the knowledge that I would never “arrive” at this land of “done-ville” until my life came to a close. It’s taken adjustment and a whole lot of grace to breathe into this lifestyle of intentionally leaving things undone. Often.

If I’m honest, I can still readily get snared into thinking the tasks must be done before it’s “responsible” to say yes to people. 😑 That may be fine, even applauded by much of the world. Oh, to be so “disciplined.” I wonder how many books alone have been written on the topic. “Productivity hacks” run rampant in our culture, and I have often fallen for it hook, line, and sinker.

But my standards have changed over the years. I no longer let “whatever” pass by my eyes and ears. I have waged the battled against mainstream media to be my source of “enough ness” and what I “should be” striving for.

Now I look to God, and rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me. In the Bible, Jesus never modeled ditching people to go organize the stacks of fish or clean up the tent. I have so much more room to grow in this area and I am here for it.

Where my sisters at who also have a hard time prioritizing people and BEING over tasks? 🙋🏼‍♀️ And I’m not talking about what you really want in your heart. In my own heart it’s people all the way. I mean in your actions. In your calendar. Where do your feet and hands and mouth go each day? I’m not sharing this to shame you or me. Nope. Nada. Not interested. But I am hearing God cheer me on in this awareness of becoming more like Mary and less like Martha when it comes to the slowing down, stopping, making the phone call, and simply being present. 💚

So…here’s a nod to sitting down, feet up, making time to “just” B PRESENT.

[Check out the full story of Mary & Martha in Luke 10: 38-42.]

Dear Husband,

On this dawn of our 17th year together (25 when you count the 8 years of dating that led up to our wedding day), I find myself waking early (no shock there) and listening to you breath. When I’m trying to sleep your loud breathing is frustrating, but when I’m awake and starting at your sleeping cuteness it’s adorable. Funny how that works. When dating, the things we deem as cute & quirky can so often turn into annoyances down the road…

PERSPECTIVE MATTERS & WE GET TO CHOOSE HOW WE LOOK AT THINGS.

You’ve heard it said before, but I’ll say it again: I had no idea what I was getting myself into when deciding to get married. It’s just what you do, right? When we were young and dumb, everyone got married. It wasn’t even a question you asked yourself. Not, “do I want to get married?” Rather, “when will I find the person I will marry?” Knowing myself now and how I can belabor big decisions, I sure am glad it happened for us the way it did. No 2nd guessing. Never another idea of how this might go.

TOGETHER FOREVER, MY LOVE YOU WILL BE.

We’ve learned a lot since that day we said, “for better or worse.” I know for a fact that as I stood there donning my 1st-ever satin gown with crystal beaded straps, gloves up to my elbows, never did I ever think we’d have those “worse” times. Not us. You’re my Pookie and I’m your Flower and “happily ever after” we’ll be.

NOT SO FAST.

We didn’t know what we didn’t know. We didn’t know we were bringing more than sunshine and rainbows to the picnic. We didn’t know of the thunderstorms, army ants, and killer bees that were about to show their gnarly faces. I’d like to think I would have gone through with it all if I did, but I can’t say for certain I would have. I have seen other areas in life where I continue to say no to opportunity out of fear for the way it will radically change my life (aka – make it hard). I didn’t think marriage would make life hard, and that’s probably why I didn’t think twice. But it got hard. It got real hard. There were years where I could scarcely breath or sleep because of how hard it was. I suppose if I didn’t care about you so much, if I didn’t have such high hopes and dreams for you and me, maybe it wouldn’t have been so soul-crushing. But I did, still do, and it was. I don’t have a picture of us to show for those times. I wasn’t taking pics of you and me. It was running and nature and running some more. Those roads saw a lot of tears and my feet felt a lot of pain. But I just kept going. You kept going too. We believed in us. We believed:

We may not be able to go back and change the beginning, but anyone can decide right now to choose a different ending.

Thank God for that. The one tiny shimmer glimmer of hope held us together. Then Jesus. Then forgiveness. Then therapy. Then more forgiveness. (ongoing, right?) Then reconciliation and healing. Increased hope. Increased joy. Increased wisdom. Increased strength. A newfound foundation on which to stand. No more faulty ground full of cracks. Or, when there is a crack, our sprit knows and we don’t ignore it, we address it.

Praise God for 2nd chances, 3rd chance, 4th chances…Praise Him for allowing us to see where we both get it wrong. Being married to you is often a mirror to me of the ways I could stand to grow and change. Sometimes that’s annoying, but only if I let it be. For how beautiful it is really, that you can choose to have this one person that you share your life with, share your body with, share your fears and your dreams and your everything-in-between, and they still choose you. You fight for me and I fight for you. We still drive each other nuts at times, we’re in need of Grace daily, but love wins.

Here’s to celebrating our past; the fun, the messy, and the ugly. Here’s to another year of discovery and memory-making. As we took on this new house and the unexpected yearlong project it would become, we’ve heard it said:

HOME RENOVATION TESTS THE STRONGEST OF MARRIAGES.

They were right. This year has had its fair share of challenges. But we’re doing it. Of course we are. Because I’m not doing it on my own, and neither are you. And to love is a choice. To laugh is a choice. To elevate another over oneself is a choice. Today, as we celebrate 17 (25) years together, I raise my glass (of water ;) to our commitment, faith, and perseverance.

I LOVE YOU, CURLS WEISWEAVER. FOREVER MY BABY YOU’LL BE. HAPPY, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Hurry is the Enemy of Intimacy

Dang it! I got schnookered again. I didn’t even realize it until it was over…

LACK MINDSET

I had an opportunity last night to B PRESENT with someone I love. But in my mind, I had too much stuff to do. “It’s moving week!” “This house won’t pack itself.” Though both of those statements are true, I heard God telling me at the end of the night (when I opened myself to hearing from Him- note: I did not ask Him earlier if it would be best to postpone packing for presence {sigh}) that I was getting snared by lack mentality when it comes to TIME. Limiting beliefs of:

NOT ENOUGH TIME.

Perhaps underlying anxiety about the move. (Or overt restlessness – let’s be honest.) I get it. I have grace for it. Moving from the home we’ve lived in for the past 16 years feels like a big deal. But is the structure in which I live, some drywall and plywood stapled together, really more important than sharing love and laughter with another soul for a few hours?! I felt like crap initially, but quickly realized that wasn’t going to change anything. So what will? Have you ever wondered that?!

HOW DO WE CREATE CHANGE IN OUR LIFE?

It all starts with a belief. God showed me it wasn’t that I don’t have love in my heart. It isn’t that I’m stuck in an endless pit of selfishness (the age-old lie that the enemy always wants me to fall for). Rather, it’s that I believed the lie that I don’t have enough time more than I believe that, by spending time and sharing love and joy with others, God would multiply my time. In fact, as I sat there staring at a scattering of necklaces on my closet floor (it was jewelry packing night), I realized I had less energy and desire to get the job done because I was wishing I had shown up for my friend.

INVITE OTHERS IN.

I repented, prayed, and thanked God for showing me how it can go a different way next time (you know we often get another opportunity to try, and rely on Him, again). He gave me a picture of another way: invite her in. Take the time to talk and laugh, learn and grow. Then ask her to help you pack necklaces. My throat literally choked up writing that last line. Asking for help – ugh. (Mom and husband excluded. ;) I must get over myself. What if we all went around helping one another? Giving AND receiving. You know the old adage; it takes two to tango? I continue to be challenged by the fact that a true tango in real relationship involves both giving and receiving. Life is a journey, right?

This morning, during my quiet time, the following thoughts made it from my heart to my head to my paper. Mediate on this, God said:

💚 Tammy